Shock Jock

I'm sure you might have heard of the phrase "can you feel the electricity in the air".

Ever felt it first hand,literally? I recently did, and not for the first time,either.Friday morning..routine…brush the teeth,turn on the hot water geyser…and the usual…

But this time the geyser had some other ideas.The rummy thing erupted in a ball of fire and sent sparks flying all over my dinky little bathroom.I was lucky my hair didn't catch fire.Not a particularly jolly way to start the day,what?

It took a while for the shock to register and I stood frozen for a second or two before I fled the scene and ran to the safety of my folks' bathroom with brush and paste in hand.(Can't ignore the ole gums now can we?)

I feared further explosions were on the way,but brave ole me had the good sense to turn the switch off before fleeing so all was well in shower-land except perhaps for the stench of old heating coil gone bust.I had to endure it as I went back to have my bath and get ready for work,the ole bones not too particularly pleased to have cold water gushing from the shower nozzle.Shiver me timbers !!

My paranoia of electricity and its minions have shot up multiple fold since that and I dread when and where they will strike next. Now whenever I turn on any electric/electronic appliance I do so gingerly and step back in a hurry and hope that they don't pull a fast one on me like the ole geyser.

Electricity mishaps aren't new to me though. Allow me to brush the dust off the old archives.

Circa 1993: Summer time.Thirst pushed me to the fridge for a glass of cold water and the water wasn't the only thing that had a chilling experience that day.The ole fridge decided to give me a quick jolt as I opened the door and I never again used the metal handle to open it.Anyway that fridge was dumped for a spanking new one with some protective coating around the handle and that was that.

Circa 1995: The rains had lashed the city and the walls in my house had water seepage.The water conveniently found its way to the door bell area and the circuitry apparently drenched in water wasn't too pleased and who would be there coming home from school and ringing the bell but me? !! Bzzzzt !! The old adage of 'saved by the bell' took quite a beating there as I was nearly killed by the bell.

Circa 1997:We'd just shifted to a different house, and I should have been on my guard when I came to know it was a 40 year old structure.The ancient killer circuitry was well camouflaged and as I inserted my cassette player plug into a socket I got jolted again.The ole socket had decided it would pass electricity in copious amounts not bothering to see if the switch was turned on or off.The thumb,index and middle digits were rather uncomfortably numb for a week or so.

Circa 1998: Wrestlemania ! WWF fever was on a high and I just had to watch the show, never mind that the TV was behaving rather strangely through the entire week.The picture tube was adamant on showing everything in green color and I didnt mind that.(And no,no in-jokes here about my neigbours set being an Onida.)
The show began and after a coupla minutes a strange buzzing noise started to rise and before I knew it "phut" went the TV and smoke started billowing from its back.

Circa 2004:Brand new PC arrived.The assembly guy set everything up and left and there I was switching it on.The CPU cabinet was protruding a lot from the table so I proceeded to move it back and voila, another strike.Turns out the circuitry had no earthing in place.Anyway I was pleased that no further damage was done.

Circa 2006: A spanking new mini-pedestal fan arrived,compliments of my uncle.It was an assemble-it-yourself type and so we did.To this day it never stands as high as it should,always drooping down to well below the average height.The height adjustment bars never quite stood still and the tilting mechanism constantly needed adjustment.Now my folks dont mind doing that and they do it while the fan is running but when I do the same I have an all too familiar electrifying experience.I guess that fan has its sights set on me alone. Nowadays I don't bother adjusting it,and even if I do I make sure I unplug it first and then change the settings before plugging it back in.

As a kid I grew up hearing strange tales of the house where we used to live around the time I was born.Apparently that house was our own version of the Amityville horror with the only difference that instead of spirits we had electricity as the main spook.Touch a wall,bzzzt ! Turn on the water, bzzzt ! The place was a disaster waiting to happen and I spent the first 2 years of my life there.I guess my jinx hadn't yet started back then else I wouldn't be here.The old place lies in ruins today.I guess we were the last of the mohicans.

I have heard of other people's tales about their misadventures with electricity and it fuels my paranoia to even greater heights.My dad being a doctor used to bring home extreme tales of shock-burnt victims and I cringed like crazy when he went into details.

Another shocking incident happened to my friend's friend.Apparently the bloke was sleeping and the ceiling fan came crashing down and broke his leg.Thank heavens it went down south.To this day I am told,they don't have fans left in their house as they have removed every last one of them.Every night when I go to bed I look at my bedroom ceiling fan and place a huge amount of trust on it.I think I should move my bed from being in the firing line…why take chances?

Did I mention that I never turn on the light bulb in my bathroom? No, I am not conserving energy and all.Thing is, once in a previous house, my mother was bathing when some water droplets hit the uncovered light bulb which burst.Some shrapnel found its way into the skin on my mother's shoulder(nothing serious though) and ever since that happened I vowed to never again turn on a light bulb in any bathroom.It doesn't help that my current one too has an uncovered bulb.So well during the day time, natural light helps and at night I switch on another light that is just outside the bathroom door.There's no way I'm gonna risk getting some shrapnel into me.

Ever watched a movie called 'Ghost in the machine'?Its about a ghost of a killer that spreads havoc through electric/electronic appliances.I guess I've had my fair share of dealing with such a ghost over the years, and I cant seem to find any way to exorcise it.

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Eye Spy

Are most of us natural born voyeurs? Why does the life of others hold so much fascination? Is there a peeping tom inside all of us?
I find myself asking these questions often.

I recently happened to watch Joel Schumacher's 'Phone Booth' (starring Colin Farrell) yet again.I never get tired of watching it.
On a similar theme(voyeurism), some other movies come to mind - Alfred Hitchcock's 'Rear Window', Mark Romanek's '1 hour photo' and ofcourse the voyeur-meister movie of them all - Peter Weir's 'The Truman show'.
These are among my favorite movies and recently a real life episode involving security cameras set me thinking.
I recently went to my cousin's place and I came to know that they had installed one of these high tech security systems with cameras and stuff.It is fascinating, I tell you.I was watching the monitor which captures everything that goes on in the elevator entrance area in the ground floor and I must admit it took a while for me to take my eyes elsewhere.Some relatives arrived late and there I was playing shock jock as I announced to them on the intercom "Big Brother is watching you".Now they didnt know about the new system in place and I am sure that for a second there they must have jumped outta their skins.
I am yet to read the novel '1984' ,George Orwell's futuristic tale of a totalitarian government and its invasive surveilance on its people.I find its concept unnerving but at the same time tantalising and fascinating.What is it about watching others without their knowledge that we find so fascinating?

In 'Phone booth',essentially a morality play, a crazed sniper stalks his potential victims by planting a bug in his local phone booth and stalks people whom he reckons have lost their morals.Ironic isn't it? In this case the unsuspecting Stu Shepard(Farrell) gets caught in the sniper's web and is made to confess his sins to the entire world before before getting out of his ordeal.Didn't we all go gaga over the movie? Wasn't that one of the most gripping thrillers you've seen in recent times? Isn't it about voyeurism taken to extremes?

There have been quite a few movies on voyeurism but as always Hitchcock had 'been there, done that' years ago in 1954, when he made 'Rear Window', which is about a photo-journalist(Jimmy Stewart) who,owing to a fractured leg, has to spend some weeks cooling his heels at home where he finds amusement/entertainment by spending most of his time spying into the lives of his various neighbors in his apartment complex. With time he focuses on one particular household and eventually comes to realise that the man of the house has killed his wife and has managed to keep it under wraps.He eventually helps the police to nab him.Its one of Hitchcock's very best and a must-watch.

'1 hour photo' is a much more disturbing film than the other three and what we get is Robin Williams in one of his most creepiest roles as Sy,a photo lab technician.He is a loner and finds joy in imagining himself as part of the various families who entrust him with their camera film reels to develop the photos they've taken.He comes across one such happy family but also happens to realise that the husband is cheating on his wife as he develops some photos from the other woman's camera too.This causes him to snap and he goes hunting after the man and his mistress who are guilty of adultery and manages to do some shocking things before being apprehended by the cops.Another gripping morality play laced with irony.Its a very graphic movie and I won't advice watching it with family.

'The Truman show' (incidentally my favorite Jim Carrey movie) is a story of a man whose entire existence is nothing more than a TV show.His whole life is centered inside a massive TV studio and his every move is watched,heard and captured by hundreds of cameras,while the whole world watches with unabashed glee.The film clearly showed how people will lap up anything despite knowing that the protagonist is living a sham never knowing the truth.It brought to life that old Shakespearean adage about the world being a stage and all men and women being mere players.In this case the ironically named Truman is 'created' by the aptly named Christoff(the TV show creator played by Ed Harris) and a host of other actors 'play' the people in Truman's life.

Wasn't that a precursor to all the reality TV shows/fly on the wall type TV shows that followed(like Big Brother,Bigg Boss) where celebrities were locked up in a house and every move of theirs was captured by cameras running all the time.Let me confess here that I was addicted to the show Bigg Boss and saw every episode of it.

Which brings me back to my topic: Voyeurism.
As a little kid I remember getting my first pair of binoculars and after the initial excitement, and later disappointment of not being to see any planets with it, I started looking into my neighbors houses through the windows.It felt almost a natural thing to do and I felt nothing wrong when I did.Ofcourse with time I realised how wrong that was and unfortunately found myself at the receiving end when with time I had to ward off prying next door mamas(old geezers) or scary maamis(who are masters of stealth) and other pesky kids who do not know the meaning of privacy.
I've been paranoid of watchmen who've appeared to be constantly surveying the house, listening to every word spoken inside, and it didnt help that I used to live in a house where the watchman sat right next to my window outside and virtually had access to everything happening there.

Why is it, that if in an apartment complex, a main door is open, everyone passing by to get to the elevator or stairs will take a look-see inside?This unfuriates me to no end but invariably when I pass through an open door I too find myself wanting a look-see and I end up forcing myself to not do it.Thankfully, now I stay in a quasi-independent house which is far removed from such snoopy neighbors but I have to contend with a next door paati(grandmum) who's 80 plus and feels nothing wrong in coming and peering through our open door/window.Granted, she is only trying to locate my grandmum to have a chat but still I feel somewhat unnerved whenever she does that.

Another thing I used to do when I was young was tune in the radio to a particular frequency which picked up the house's cordless phone signal and whenever somebody used the cordless I could listen in on it.It used to irritate my sister a lot when I tapped in on her conversations with her friends hoping to catch some juicy inside info, but well, the fad wore off after a couple of days and I started respecting the need for privacy.
But we used the technique to have it as an intercom for sometime but that too was shortlived.

Ever found yourself armed with a camera, trying to take snaps of people off guard/unaware? Doesn't that thrill you despite knowing its wrong?
Only after seeing '1 hr photo' did I realise how much faith we place on our local photo labs.Our personal photographs are probably our most treasured and intimate possessions that are basically an open window to our lives and our family and to give an outsider easy access to that…aren't we putting ourselves at potential risk?
I am sure you have received all those mail forwards about the danger of putting up your personal pics on Orkut and how people misuse them.Orkut has become this easy playground for voyeurs.It is so easy to create a blank profile and go about looking into other peoples affairs without them ever knowing.Granted,its a brilliant social networking site and all that.I am happy that recently they have added privacy options to selectively block photos and videos to unwelcome visitors.
There are other things to fear like 2 way mirrors in hotels and dressing rooms.

Recently I asked my friend for her blog address and since she considers her blog to be private she refused to let me in.I was pretty upset about it as I have no qualms in letting her read my blogs.But to be honest,wasn't I trying to get a look-see inside her life by wanting to read her innermost thoughts and feelings?Wasn't I guilty of trying to pry?

This is a line in 'Rear Window' where the nurse chides the photo-journalist for spying on his neighbors:
"Oh dear, we've become a race of Peeping Toms. What people ought to do is get outside their own house and look in for a change. Yes, sir. How's that for a bit of home-spun philosophy?"

And that was 1954… I guess some things don't change.

The ending lines of 'The Truman show':
Truman: "Was anything real?"
Christof: "You were real. That's what made you so good to watch."

I guess that about sums it up.

I guess all of us know and understand the moral implications of voyeurism but perhaps some of us still have a little peeping tom inside us that comes out sometimes and we dont mind him playing around for a while, before sending him back inside.

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A.T.M antics

ahh..ATM's…they're like women..
..cant live with 'em..cant live without 'em.
Like women,you have to clearly ask them what you need,and believe me they do have something you need…
….you have to be prepared to deal with their unpredictable nature…
….you never quite know whats going on inside them…and well, there are different kinds…
..and most importantly you are at their mercy…for most parts….
(ok now that you women folk have put down your chappals and high heels and what not, let me continue)

But there are quite a few things about ATM's that really get on my nerves.
For starters let us start with the denominations.The darn screen reads '100,500 and 1000 only',
ala those hollywood villains growling "its my way or the highway".
"Either you take what I dish out or hit the road,Jack!"
Last night I had to withdraw some money for various purposes.Lets say I needed 12 hundred rupee notes to avoid change hassles.
But nosirree,the ATM had other plans.It proudly gave me one pink crisp 1000 rupee note and two 100's.
I can almost imagine the scene at the bill counter when I am paying: "Sir dont you have any change?" says the lady at the counter after I hand in my 1000 rupee note.
Me(pretending to fumble about): "Err..no sorry.." (while cursing the darned ATM under my breath)
It happens everytime.A few days back all I had in my pocket was a 500 rupee note(thanks to the ATM) and there I was at the lunch counter in the cafeteria.Now you know that change is a bit hard to comeby at the cafeteria counters, especially if you are an early luncher like me.
The guy in the 2nd queue was told that they had no change for 20 ,and there I was sheepishly handing out my 500 rupee note.The counter lady smirked and showed it to the other woman."look what we've got here"…grr…I HAD to tell her about the culprit…and she nodded.."yeah whatever.."
Why cant ATM's have a menu where we get to choose the denominations we want?

Another grouse I have with ATM's is they are quite silent and discreet about their holdings.
Say the ATM has only 4900 bucks left(which I wouldnt know) and it is yet to be refilled,and let us assume it is Diwali eve.Where was I? Well, in the darned ATM counter punching in 5-0-0-0 (thats the amount,mind you) and what do I get ? The sound of notes being counted and the welcome screen.No cash,no receipt,
no error/warning message.Ta-daa !
"eh?dude ! show me the money!!!"
and the ATM seems to say "no way, jose! "
Its almost as if the ATM is like a sadistic moneylender…he counts the money you ask,fans it in front of your face,but then decides "heck No..yer short on luck pal..you aint gettin' any money from me this time"
On that particular occasion,there was a Korean guy who'd tried his luck before me and I guess he too got punked.And there he was trying to ask the tamil-speaking security what went wrong..in a language we can assume was not english… I tried to explain to him what seemed to be the problem but he only kept asking "what? what?".
I propose that ATM's should have an indicator of how much money is left and how much can be withdrawn at that point of time without having to go away empty handed,just because it is a 100 bucks or so,short of the amount requested.

Then there are times when the ATM refuses to print the receipt even if you've asked for it. Its happened quite a few times for me.Some of you would know that I am paranoid-obsessive compulsive and I just CANNOT leave the ATM without checking the account status.I always take a look at my last receipt and do some quick math in my mind to calculate what my account will stand at after I have withdrawn the money.One quick look at the receipt to confirm it,and I am outta there.But the no-receipt bug really irritates me and I end up inserting my card again to just print the account and somehow it seems to work fine the second time.
And oh, what's with the guys who get a receipt and dunk it in the trashcan?Seeing too may hollywood movies(now this may seem a dumb theory) I reckon some evil-hacker is always on the prowl and if
he gets his hand on my receipt with all those fancy numbers and X's printed on it,he will somehow find a way to hack into my account and leave me clean as a whistle.I never trash my receipts.

I bank with X-bank and I hate going to other bank ATM's.Paranoia again.You see, those other bank ATM's have these trap mechanisms in place.You insert your card and 'abracadabra' they're gone.They return only after your transaction is done.In my bank ATM all I have to do is swipe it and enter the password after that.So, my card is in sight at all times.Why cant all banks have a universal/uniform ATM kiosk?

My local ATM has security cameras in place and the guard doesnt allow me to enter unless I remove my helmet or cap.He reckons I am there to pull a heist.Now my helmet cannot be removed unless
I remove my specs first(yes, some space constraints in the ear section) and it can get quite frustrating when you are in a hurry.One time I tried to humor him and asked him why,and he said covered heads arent allowed inside the ATM room.I quipped "what if a sikh shows up?will you tell him to remove his pagdi?"! That should have cornered him but well,he only smiled.(No offence meant to any sikhs reading this).

And continuing on my hollywood influenced paranoia trip,I've got 2 words for you- Artificial Intelligence ! I think of the future and I link Terminator and Matrix to ATM's.Think about it.All your money is at the mercy of a machine.And with talking ATM's supposedly making an entry into the market it wont be long before we are on our knees pleading to the ATM.
me:"Err…I need 500 bucks"
ATM:"very well..what are you gonna do with it?"
me:"(^%^@"
ATM:"lets hear you say pretty please"
me: —–

Now I know what the 'A' stands for in 'ATM': autonomous,arrogant,adamant,atrocious,apathetic and so on…bah!

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Truth and Dare

What do you do when someone tells you that "you don't know how to have some fun", point blank?
Throw in "you are serious" too and it makes for quite a heady concoction.
'A bitter pill to swallow'..'the truth hurts'...'reality check'....all the old cliches flowed in.
Deservedly?Perhaps.
What if that someone happens to be a person you really like,someone you respect and someone whose opinions and comments matter to you because you know that they're being honest and straight about it?
Or for arguments sake do you try and childishly console yourself by telling yourself that the same person had listed "people who call themselves fun loving" as one of their big turn-offs on their orkut profile?
All said and done,do you take it to heart and go brood about it for a long time?
Or do you accept it and sit stone faced,lost in deep retrospection and introspection?
Or in a juvenile manner do you go about trying to find out the various official definitions of the word "fun" in the various online dictionaries?
I did all of the above.
As for the definitions,here's what I found:
Fun:
1. A source of enjoyment, amusement, or pleasure
2. Enjoyment; amusement
3. Playful, often noisy, activity

It appears that there are varying definitions of the word.
A source of enjoyment? Yes, I'd go with that.
But does that mean I should find what I enjoy to be amusing as well?
Am I not almost deriding my sense of enjoyment by thinking that it can be amusing as well?
Let me iterate here that I do not consider 'delight' to be the same as 'amusement'.
Perhaps I am employing 'amusing' in an archaic sense here but you know what I mean.
'Pleasure'...well this is directly linked to enjoyment though I'd reckon it has nothing to do with amusement.
'Playful often noisy activity':Hmm this is I reckon the general consensus when it comes to people who apparently are 'fun loving'.For a 'serious' person like me this wont hold good,what?
'Noisy':Now, how can that lead to fun?
Ever lived next to a construction site?Or sat through a bus journey with a headache when the considerate bus driver decides to play the latest tamil film song on the radio on maximum volume?
Noisy? Yes..Fun? No.
Would being gregarious be considered as part of the 'fun' scene?
Or for that matter would being an individualist be considered 'serious' ?
It has at most times gotten me labelled an island and a loner.
Fair enough, but the only questions I ask myself are:
"Am I being honest to myself?" : Yes;
"Am I fooling anyone by being 'me'?" : No ;
If that is considered serious then I am.
Which led me to look up the word 'serious':
a. Carried out in earnest
b. Deeply interested or involved
c. Designed for and addressing grave and earnest tastes
d. Not trifling or jesting
e. Of considerable size or scope; substantial
f. Of such character or quality as to appeal to the expert, the connoisseur, or the sophisticate.

I found it 'amusing' that it threw up more definitions than it did when I searched for 'fun'.
My ego tells me to highlight definition f above but I'll let it be.I will probably be labelled an egotist.Maybe I am?
Doesn't my very choice to touch upon it show that I am?

Which brings me to why this trip began in the first place.It wouldn't be too indelicate to use a synonym for egotic here-'Self centered': Now I shall refrain from looking up that word lest I start believing the harsh implications it promises to throw up.
When I say self centered, what I would think is : "I know myself.I Understand myself so thoroughly that I would know in a nano-second if something I did was not part of the real 'me'."
And in my inability to understand or comprehend those unwelcome alien conundrums that are so much a part of most other people I know, I am only left deeply intrigued and curious as to how they can embrace those conundrums while I sit puzzled and frazzled as to why I dont "get" it.
And say, I am comfortable with someone who is part of the above population, comfortable enough to ask how they are able to 'get' it so effortlessly, it probably appears to them that I am on my high horse demanding answers.
Now at first I may not agree to that but the more I play Rodin's Thinker,my stony nucleus decides to nod in reluctant acceptance.
Perhaps I do need to get down from my high horse and look at things from a level that is more sane and normal.
Or perhaps I expect everyone else to get on their high horses as well so that the same level of vision would be maintained.
We all have our own definitions of "fun" and "seriousness" and I was merely trying to take a walk on the other side in that conversation.
I would like to insert here something wonderful I read in an article by an EQ coach:
"We each have to discover our own definition of fun, sometimes over and over again, it’s a vital part of emotional intelligence and wellness, and its yours, all yours! "

In the conversation I had,along with the talk of fun and seriousness there also happened to be talk of "acceptance".
Now, that had me faltering whilst putting up my defence and just for one tiny second I wished that I had never entered into that conversation at all.Escapism in a way,yes.But that was just one fleeting second,and the next second I was glad that I had chosen to enter because it led to direct exchange of thoughts and opinions,in a straight,honest,no-nonsense way ,which is something you hardly get to see with friends for fear of offending the other person.
The pseudo-nice guy in me wanted to apologise for touching a raw nerve there,but the real me decided to be honest about it and I instead ended up thanking the person for her time and honesty.
Why cant all of us be in that zone? Honest and fearless exchange of thoughts and opinions.
The world would be a much better place for everyone concerned in every sphere of life.
You know who you are,and thank you for knowingly or unknowingly answering my unasked questions which I had put on the backburner for fear of them getting overcooked or burnt.
Peace .

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Chronicles of a reluctant shopper

I recently went shopping to get newclothes for Diwali.For starters let me tellya that I hate shopping.I absolutely HATE shopping,especially for clothes.And whenever its festival time I try and avoid getting asked to "come and pick some new clothes".Sometimes I successfully manage to avoid it and tell my dad(who strangely is a shopping junkie) to pick up something while he's at it. "Dad,make sure its got some blue or black in it.Checked or striped" ,I'd say while coming up with some alibi as to why I cannot accompany him.Ah how easy that was.
But its not that always easy trying to escape the drill and sometimes your bluff is called.
And there I was a coupla days back moping around in a clothes store picking up a new shirt for Diwali. But,these store attendants I tellya ! Everytime I enter a store to shop for some clothes I dread these blokes.
Over the years I have come to realise that they can be broadly classified as follows:

1.The Hovering Vulture:These blokes have a keen eye for prey and the mili-second you enter the store they're on you before you know it.They shadow you like a regular gumshoe and do a 'Sting' by watching every move you make,every breath you take.They never offer their help unless you ask but they're constantly hovering around like a protective museum curator thinking "dont touch this dont touch that".Take out and put back one garment out of place and they're on your case.Most of these blokes are obsessive compulsive I am sure, but I guess order is very important to them and they do have to have a place for everything and everything in its place.Some closely monitor you ..for shop lifting I reckon.I've tried turning back and glaring at them and it works sometimes,causing them to slink away.Another trick I employ to get rid of them is walk one way and suddenly switch gears and do a roundabout.This quick and effective tactic will leave them confused and they will ease up..but only to return shortly after you move to the next aisle/section.

2.The Eager Beaver: These blokes,though not as bad as category 1,can be as irritating though.These are the ones that immediately rush up to you and ask what you're looking for.Now if your a regular male shopper like me you'd probably tell them the size you're looking for and the fit/sleeve type and hope they scram after directing you there and you hope they will leave you alone after that but NOOO they must accompany you throughout,dropping various fashion pointers/comments honed over the years -"Sir, I'm afraid that red doesn't suit you, but you might however like to try on our orange shirt with black pin stripes.It will make you look thinner".My software engineer paunch though offended at the veiled remark decides to forgive him and I say "Naa..I dont like it".But as honorary members of the fashion police/authority they will relentlessly give you their fashion fundas. "Sir this Olive green shirt will go very well with beige colored trousers,which I might add is right over there in the trousers section.What's your waist size sir? Arre chintu,tape measure kahaan" and before you can protest they're already on their beat,measuring your waist size and shouting out the same to their cronies while you try and suck in your gut lest the womenfolk in the vicinity know your worst kept secret.Hiding the evidence you see."No no" I protest."That is because of my thick shirt you see.You measured around it as I have not tucked it in".
-"But sir, you do normally tuck in your shirt no?" he'd go and I'd want to go "heck No" but I relent for fear that he'd come back and ask me to raise my shirt and cause further embarrassment in front of the aforementioned womenfolk in the vicinity.

3.The snob salesmen: These are relentless businessmen who use tactics of snobbery.For them the only plan of action is to shoot their sales pitch in a snobbish way so that by the time they are done, you would feel quite small settling for a regular X or Y brand under 600-800 bucks.No sirree…the A1 brands they would recommend are the burn-a-hole-in-the-wallet types.Minimum prices would start from 1500 bucks."But look at the quality sir.Just feel that fine cotton..look at the finish.You'd feel like a King in these clothes.." Emperor's new clothes anyone?…"(expensive)Clothes maketh the man" is their slogan but little do they know that it can also breaketh a man's wallet.Then after consulting with your wallet you meekly ask "do you have anything..err..chea..err..something uh um less expensive"?
And he'd go "Sir?" with a slightly raised eyebrow in mock contempt.And then you begin a cat and mouse game and say "I'll look around and decide" hoping you can elude them and hope that some other poor soul gets trapped in their web.

4.The aloof attendant: In a strange way I kinda like these blokes a tad better than the previous ones.I mean they dont really bother you at all.They're busy arranging something or the other or dusting about and would never perform any of the antics by the 3 previous types mentioned above .They're just there for the paycheck.You can almost read their thoughts as you enter — "here comes another shmuck.Hope he doesnt fuss or fidget about.Besides the eager beaver would take care of him.Wot me worry?". But alas it will so happen that when you want to enquire about availability of a different size/color,all the eager beavers would be engaged with some other customer and the aloof attendant would be nowhere in sight.They have a way of slinking away just when they would be really wanted.I think they have built in radar.If in case they do happen to be in the vicinity they will nod a "Yes sir,I will check and get back to you" and vanish into thin air never to reappear.

5.Mistaken identity: In most stores the attendants would follow a dress code,and sometime or the other there is bound to be a customer wearing a similar dress and these unfortunate souls often bear the embarassment of being mistaken for a store attendant.
me: "Excuse me do you know where I can find XXL full sleeved shirts?"
they:(face flushing red with embarassment)"Err,dude ! I dont work here ,okay?" and you go away muttering a sheepish apology.I must confess I have been at the receiving end a coupla times.The best way to avoid this? Avoid eye contact with other customers.When in shop do as shoppers do.Look only at the merchandize and periodically check the softness of the material and go "hmm".

6.And finally the Friendly attendant who knows exactly what to do and when to do it.These guys are the cream of the crop.They welcome you with a cheerful smile.They address you as "Boss".If you've been to the shop before they remember you and know your groove.They wont hover around unnecessarily,and the nanosecond they know you are looking for help they would be there in a flash.In some cases they will take your light hearted request for a discount and would really give you a "frequent flyer" discount as they know you've been there before and would probably keep coming back for more.Unfortunately these blokes are not easy to come by and I guess they are an endangered species.

Most of you who've grown up in chennai and shopped here would probably know the stores I have addressed above and I have politely left out the names.You can fill in the blanks as you please :) .

PS: Risking violent repercussions from my lady readers I must confess that all the above types hold good only for a men's store.For a women's store,my sympathies are for all the attendants.God save the attendant who gets caught with a shopaholic woman.I made the grave mistake of agreeing to accompany my sis and my aunt for one such trip to pick some stuff for
them and hoo boy, that shop attendant never knew what hit him ;)

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